Deborah Finding

            My therapist told me to picture you as a scorpion

            in a guided meditation, in which she had me imagine –

            in a very visceral way – crushing you to death 

            with my foot, till you were nothing but shit and dust.

            Now, I know what you are thinking:

            surely a real therapist would never suggest such a thing!

            but to be totally honest with you

            she is somewhat unconventional in her methods

            and only the week before this

            she had asked me to imagine finding a grave

            and looking down to see your lifeless body 

            in the deep and open dirt –

            the knowledge of your death 

            giving me back my own breath

            which I'd been holding all these months

            terrified that I could see you on every corner

            your dark hair swinging behind you

            in front of me

            a kind of ponytail PTSD.

            I wish I was joking.

            Anyway, back to you as a scorpion, did you know 

            it’s said they're viciously venomous for no reason?

            Have you heard that fable about the frog and the scorpion,

            that ends with the scorpion saying, it’s in my nature?

            Well, I don’t believe that shit.

            I don’t believe you were born like that

            to sting for the sake of it. But it doesn’t matter

            because you are that now

            and you should be approached with extreme caution

            and protective clothing, if at all

            and I learned the hard way 

            that anyone who would keep a scorpion for a pet 

            is a fool. There’s an urban myth 

            that if you light a circle of fire around a scorpion

            it will sting itself to death 

            horribly … for a long time 

            I thought about how I could set your world on fire:

            trap you in a prison with only your own poison 

            for company, and glass walls and spotlights 

            for all to see who you really are.

            I texted your name so often

            that my phone still wants to gift it to me in autocorrect 

            whenever I type the first three letters

            but this is progress, because for a while just the E would do it.

            One day I hope I can look at your name 

            in black and white

            or even meet someone else 

            with it, and not hate them on sight

            and though today is not that day

            I know it must be coming.

            I don’t think of you so much now 

            and I wear a scorpion earring.

            Not every day

            but on those mornings where I wake up shaking

            or when the offence of an injustice 

            is simply overwhelming.

            It helps remind me that it’s ok 

            if a battle is too bloody to fight,

            that self-care sometimes means you don’t get to win

            even when you’re right

            and the day I grew up 

            is the day I understood 

            that the sun shines just the same 

            on evil and good.

            Ah, scorpion … 

            despite all I learned about you

            it’s not in my nature 

            to claim you have no path to salvation

            but it does bring me comfort to know 

            that at any moment

            any enemy can be crushed

            if only in imagination.